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How to explain myself:

This is one of my journal entries, and I think it describes me best:


I like death. I like the idea of immortality. I like addicts. I like sobriety. I like being as compassionate as humanly possible. I like not being human. I like to spend hours on end staring at the wall, only to get nowhere. I like to ride trains with people you care about. I like to lay out on the street watching fireworks with your first love. I like having to look at my chest to assure myself I'm still breathing. I like ripping off Kurt Cobain style entries, when most people are oblivious. I like being original. I like playing the staring game across classrooms. I like when people notice me. I like to disappear. I like to be in my own world, and left there. I like to be cared about. I like to waste time writing journal entries that don't mean much of anything, but give me a sense of accomplishment. I like looking at pictures of old times. I like looking forward to the future. I like feeling like I can never go on again. I like listening to sad emo music while sitting in black rooms. I like caring about things. I like being in a band that I can pour my heart into. I like having something constructive to do with my life. I like writing poetry. I like doing nothing. I like being scolded for things I don't do. I like lying around with one person, and one person only. I like missing everything. I like forgetting anything. I like getting my first kiss, or learning to play the drums, or playing our first show, or writing our first song, or better yet, I like firsts. I like lasts. I like remembering the last time I ever got to spend with someone. I like boring everyone reading this. I like thinking too much for my own good. I like long talks at nights while cuddling with boys in our boxers. I like going to shows with your best friends, and having a great time. I like seeing your sworn enemies, and feeling like they will lash out at you at any given moment. I like sitting with people you care about on docks. I like getting lost in the moment. I like irony. I like caring about people when they have no reaction. I like reading people's minds. I like psychology. I like the word "ridiculous". I like writing poems that were intended to make no sense, using very random words, and turning them in after finding out they make more sense than your life ever has. I like getting somewhere with SF. I like getting nowhere with SF. I like SF. I like playing shows in Milwaukee. I like packing 7-10 people in a 7 seater van, for 13 hours at a time. I like getting noticed for being in SF. I like drooling over other, much more talented drummers. I like drooling over other, much more talented people. I like love. I like lust. I like feeling bad for myself. I like self pity. I like how I despise any pity whatsoever. I like laying in Megan's bed, dazing off into space. I like tall buildings. I like kaleidescopes. I like towering over people, to make myself feel taller than I really am. I like to look into the eyes of everyone who passes me. I like to comfort people when in the presence of tears. I like to feel awkward as you put your arm around someone when you don't know if it's the best idea. I like seeing people show up to the show in Milwaukee unexpectadly. I like seeing people come to one of our shows that I'd never expect. I like watching Hilary Duff do anything. I like going to Arby's and then hitting poles in bank parking lots. I like anyone who has actually read thus far in this entry. I like seeing emails sent to me telling me someone commented on one of my entries. I like laughing. I like holding a straight face for as long as possible, only to stop and go back into the same face. I like sneaking out of houses to visit people late at night. I like driving down highways with men who treat you like adults. I like recording when you have no idea what you are doing, and feeling proud of it. I like recording for a second time and getting recognition for it, and positive feedback that is genuine and not forced. I like hearing forced lies told to me, and believing them. I like seeing straight through these same lies. I like feeling jealous. I like not being trusted for no reason. I like listening to families scream their lungs out at eachother when I sit there in the ultimate awkward silence. I like hearing of tragedies making the last ultimate awkward silences nothing. I like going on and on with this, when most people have probably given up on reading this all by now. I like bands that play music that encompasses talent. I like bands who aren't like every other one. I like being harrassed for self mutilation by your best friends. I like broken promises. I like when blood, sweat, and tears is more than just a cliche. I like reading stories that actually matter. I like reading stories praising our government with no educational value behind them. I like reading stories critisizing our government with no educational value behind them. I like sitting on roofs with nothing to think about. I like jumping off bridges with no regard towards anything. I like meeting people for the first time. I like finally meeting someone you've dreamed about for the first time. I like dreaming about people and never meeting them. I like growing old. I like staying young. I like revalations. I like being on the phone with people you care most about until the following morning. I like waking up for school the following morning. I like staying home from school for no reason. I like hearing family members telling surgeons to make sure it hurts. I like being safe. I like calling it quits. I like being a safe bet for others. I like crying over the same person countless nights. I like never seeing people you miss. I like trying to forget these people. I like how impossible that is. I like adding new guitarists to our band to make us so much better. I like knowing people who are my parent's friend's daughters. I like cuddling. I like being blamed for it. I like being too afraid to enter a relationship. I like pushing people away. I like longing for these people. I like dreaming of these people. I like dreaming of reuniting. I like how even so much as a hug in a dream can mean so much. I like sitting on stoops trying to calm people down. I like to convince them I care. I like how they could care less. I like how they show they could care less. I like crying. I like bleeding. I like asking people out at 4:20 in the morning on the phone. I like being too scared to do it any other way. I like hitting on Central's poms. I like repetition. I like longing for variety. I like getting phone calls. I like getting phone calls just to talk. I like how no one will bother to read this. I like how the few people who do really do care. I like how I'd like to think they care. I like how I'll be forgotten. I like how it's only a matter of time until it all ends. I like ruining my own life. I like being responsible. I like being reckless. I like sleeping. I like how as stupid as this entry may seem, it means everything to me. I like how I don't know why. I like not having to work at school. I like not having to work. I like hearing people are giving up things. I like knowing this will allow more time for us to spend together. I like how this will never happen. I like not being clued in on what is going on. I like waiting for tomorrow. I like wanted yesterday to come back. I like living in the moment of today. I like walking down the halls in school with a smirk on my face. I like seeing people walk down the halls in school with a smirk on their face. I like being engulfed in my own world with headphones on and my head down. I like being too shy to say hi. I like being too scared to say hi. I like being too scared to say "I love you". I like never saying I love you to anyone. I like how I once did. I like how that all went away. I like how life is covered in lies. I like how life is covered in truths. I like taking both of these and covering myself in a blanket full of them. I like learning all I can. I like seeing friends fade away from me right in front of my face. I like being stared at. I like when these stares are flirtatious. I like when these stares are intriguing. I like when these stares are not there. I like when these stares are imagined. I like seeing couples be perfect for one another. I like seeing couples be horrible wrong for one another. I like being one of these couples. I like being part of a couple at all. I like feeling like I'm nothing. I like feeling like I want to die. I like looking back at these times. I like that I look back at them, and not forward. I like how they still come to me. I like holding hands for the first time. I like being scared of getting caught together. I like how no matter how hard anyone tries, it will never come. I like discussing things I like. I like hating all existance. I like finding beauty in everything. I like new year's eve. I like seeing criminals make the covers of Time magazine. I like Christianity. I like Atheism. I like God. I like hating God. I like not believing in God. I like not being tied down to a deity. I like being my own person. I like thinking for myself. I like dressing however I feel like. I like being looked down upon because of that. I like living in a country that can see everyone else wrong but themselves. I like bombing other countries. I like going against the UN's wishes. I like the idea of a UN. I like how none of these nations will ever be united. I like how the want to kill will overpower any peace in the world. I like sleeping with others. I like sleeping alone. I like meeting other bands who are interested in yours. I like giving out demos to "famous" bands. I like hoping they will reply. I like never getting a reply back. I like how we still don't stop trying. I like living on music. I like battle wounds. I like bullet holes. I like tunnels through chests. I like them leading right towards your heart. I like bullets that graze your heart, but miss by inches. I like knives that graze your arteries, but miss by millimeters. I like stigmata. I like noticing what you wear when no one else does. I like keeping my thoughts to myself. I like sharing them all through an online journal. I like how this could never have a proper ending, and could be infinite. I like being banned from seeing people. I like missing them to death. I like this term to be literal. I like never hearing from people again. I like not knowing if someone is even alive. I like prolonged periods without talking. I like talking everyday. I like looking behind me in the snow to make sure I still make footprints.



I like how I miss this all.

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