| Elsewhere |
[16 Nov 2007|06:56am] |
I have begun writing elsewhere. If anyone reads this, which I doubt they do because aside from a post or two it has been years, my new outlet is at http://remembrancedialogue.blogspot.com/ I wish I had time to write as much as I used to, but the truth is I do not. With school, work, and other commitments, I can only put down my thoughts on rare occasions. I hope to write more this year than last, but regardless, anything I do write will be at that new location.
Take care,
Matthew
http://remembrancedialogue.blogspot.com/
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| We don’t define ourselves. We define each other. Pt. 2 |
[03 Aug 2007|03:07pm] |
To any one who still reads this:
Over a year and a half ago I sent this out, hoping to learn something about both others and myself in the process. Looking back on many, they have made my smile, laugh, cry, and most importantly re-evaluate. It was the little things I don't even realize I do and the way that people remember certain, seemingly meaningless, events. That is the beauty of human relations. When I sent it out before, I had the intention of doing it again once a long enough time period had passed. I feel that time has now arrived. I still have the old ones, so if you would like to see it before/after you do a new one I can send it to you.
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This is what the previous prompt stated:
I do not define myself, because I am living in this skin. You define me. The summation of everyone elses definitions of me define who I am, why I function the way I do, and the relationships I therefore form. I am asking something very simple from you guys, whether you know me extremely well, or not too well. Tell me everything you know about me. My strengths, my flaws, first impressions, experiences you remember with me and why they're important. Why they hurt. Why we get along so well together. Why we no longer talk. Why you tower of me. Why I intimidate you. Why we know eachother. What have i meant to you. What do you remember.
Please do this, it really means a lot to me. Even if you used to know me and not so much anymore, still do it. It shows who I used to be compared to who I am now. I hope you all take this to heart and do it truthfully. Write pages, write one sentence. A response is a response, just some will touch me more than others... I hope they all do.
NOTE: this is not a chain letter. this is something I made, for me. please take it as such and dont pass it by as mindless like so many of these bulletins are.
Thank you,
Matthew.
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Another important thing is what has changed since you last sent me that message. What has stayed the same? New thoughts, old ones that will never die. The most personal things you can remember and are now willing to state, or the most vague that I already know.
I appreciate every word that you write, I mean that. Whether I know you well or not, it makes no difference. I want complete honesty. Tell me things you never have before, and aren't sure if you should. Even if you haven't done it before please do one now.
Perhaps some incentive to do this is another part I'd like to add. If you'd like (just let me know in your message), I will be replying in a similar fashion about you. Be warned though, I will probably write a very long reply.
We hide far too much from each other.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart,
Matthew Sebastian
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| beginning of the year survey |
[07 Jan 2007|11:12pm] |
| [ |
music |
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Somme: Kenny it is good. |
] |
New year. Found this from 2004 when I filled it out, so here it is now.
1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
Even though I turned 18, when supposedly you can do all these new things, I really didn't. Go to college I guess is a good one.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I never made one last year. I think people need to make resolutions as they come up as problems.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes. I still haven't seen them.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Not extremely close; acquaintances.
5. What countries did you visit?
None besides this.
6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
a meaningful relationship, which has finally come
7. What date(s) from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
October 21st. Izabella.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Beginning college.
9. What was your biggest failure?
That's an interesting question, I suppose not giving everything my all, because no one ever does.
10. Did you suffer any illness or injury?
no
11. What was the best thing you bought?
A college education.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
a few i could think of, but this question is too broad.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
many.
14. Where did most of your money go?
rent, Christmas presents
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Izabella
16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
none in particular
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier tenfold
ii. thinner or fatter? same i think
iii. richer or poorer? poorer, poor college student
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
read more
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
avoiding relationships.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
well this will is now a did, but with my family, and then izabella christmas day even though I was sick. Still the best present.
22. Did you fall in love in 2006?
I very well might have, we'll have to wait and see.
23. How many one-night stands?
0
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Daily Show and Legends of the Hidden Temple and FULL HOUSE
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
no, i tend not to hate anyone, i dont care what they do to me, no reason to hate
26. What was the best book you read?
Notes From Underground by Fyodor Dostoevsky
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
i do not know
28. What did you want and get?
someone to share my life with, and I could not be happier
29. What did you want and not get?
it does not matter.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Very tough question. Heights...who am I kidding, Snakes on a Plane
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I didn't go to school, and just sat around, I was 18
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
being with izabella sooner.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
a little more variety
34. What kept you sane?
izabella
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
keith olberman
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
it's all the same cycle.
37. Who did you miss?
friends who went far away to school, and friends that have faded and are no longer.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
totally new? I'm not really sure
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
Not to let your predispositions against something keep you from putting yourself out there. To take a chance, because what may follow could be the most beautiful thing in your life.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year
We live in a beautiful world.
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[28 Nov 2006|11:54am] |
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If you're not sure who you are, you're not alone.
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| Some things just can't wait. |
[23 Sep 2006|10:44pm] |
I really have no idea where my life is headed right now. I am following the path set out ahead of me: a college education, challenging myself, absorbing my new environment, and experiencing new things. But yet, I feel incredibly lost.
There was once a boy who lived his entire life facing a corner. The abrupt perpendicular clash of two walls made home. There was nothing on the walls; no color, no interest. But he found them endlessly intriguing. He wrote essays and songs on that corner of the room. He ate facing it, prayed to it; slept with it as his support. Then one day he turned around. He saw windows and doors and light and darkness working together. He saw the sun and the moon and the stars. Still every night he returned to that corner, for it was still his home. Then one day he stepped outside his door and there were bustling streets with people of all ages, race, ethnicity, and sex waiting for him. "We wondered when it was that you were going to turn around." they'd say. He looked at them all at once straight in their eyes. He spoke in a language they had never heard. He turned around once more, but this time back into his corner. He got onto his knees and prayed.
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| Looking at people, and the world around you. |
[05 Aug 2006|06:43pm] |
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There are three ways to look at people: To look at them, to look through them, or to look into them. I fear most of us only have the capacity to do two of the three.
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[28 May 2006|02:21pm] |
I want to travel to another world. A world identical to our own except for two distinct differences that yell at me to notice them. In these alterations will be the meaning of all existence.
I must let the gods write through me and flow the words from their minds through my hands. This will insure my writing to be pure. Come to think of it, it insures everything to be pure. Purity is innate.
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| Invisible Children Benefit Show |
[11 Apr 2006|09:48pm] |
| [ |
music |
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Circa Survive - Meet Me In Montauk |
] |
What have I been up to lately? Finally I am able to share it all. Since October of last year I had the idea in my head of setting up a benefit show for a charity known as Invisible Children. What started as simply a vision of some ideal show where tons of money was raised has slowly became a reality. On Friday, April 21st all of this hard work will be paid off.
What is Invisible Children? I by no means am an expert, but after watching the documentary numerous times and absorbing all I can try my best to explain this tragedy to you. Long story short, there has been a 17 year long civil war in Northern Uganda, Africa, one that has received such minimal attention that to most, it truly is invisible. Three men, ages 22-27, went to Sudan to help aid the victims of the epidemic that had taken place. In fear of the rebel armies who had shot a car shortly in front of them, they took a detour through Uganda, and there is where they came across this travesty. Children are being abducted and desensitized by the Rebel Army so that they will fight for them out of fear. The entire story can be found at WWW.INVISIBLECHILDREN.COM. I encourage you all to seek out the truth behind the life that these children are forced to lead.
The filmmakers have created a documentary that this organization is centered around. They hope to raise awareness and build a safe community in which children do not need to wake up at 3am in order to run to their next safe location. Other long term plans include a major motion picture in which the situation in Uganda will be further explored and distributed on an even wider scale.
I pray all of you in someway will devote time, money, or whatever it is you can towards this cause. There is a lot of tragedy in the world. Believe me when I say it is extremely overwhelming to look at something like this and say, "We have the power to overcome." But the truth is we do. I have learned that there is more to our lives than progressing our own, that in deed, helping others is the most rewarding thing there is. Your money will be put to a good cause, and in turn there are many things you can get from it as well: DVD, T-shirts, a show, and of course the acknowledgement that you have in fact helped the cause of exposing the Invisible Children. Here is the information:
Friday, April 21st, 2006
@ Ben Thompson's House
3311 Remington Drive, Crystal Lake, IL, 60014
6pm, with a free showing of the Invisible Children DVD afterwards for those who wish to stay.
Admission: $3 Donations (additional donations are also accepted and will all be sent directly to IC)
FREE PIZZA AND DRINKS
Bands:
Before Summer Ends
Metermaid
+ More TBA
Invisible Children DVD's and Tshirts will also be sold for $20 a DVD and $10 a shirt
For More Info: silentfighting@gmail.com or message me on here.
Please, spread the word to all you know. I have flyers you can print out, banners you can post, advertisements you can put anywhere. Remember, all the information you can possibly need about the cause can be found on WWW.INVISIBLECHILDREN.COM
Here is the banner I hope you call can help me promote by simply pasting some code in your livejournal, "about me" section of your myspace, or anywhere else online you see fit. Clicking on it will bring you to a full page flyer with all information. Any questions... please ask, I hope all of you can help support this great cause in one way or another. It doesnt take much time to help better the situation.
 Copy the code below and past it into your profile.
Help support the Invisible Children
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Thank you from the bottom of my heart,
Matthew Sebastian
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| Idea Vs. Action |
[12 Feb 2006|12:18am] |
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If I wrote forever where would I get? What doorstep would I end up on? A famous one-act play, "Words, Words, Words", says that if in fact a monkey was placed in front of a typewriter, eventually it would write Hamlet in it's entirety. This is meant to demonstrate infinity, and the extrodinary outcome of chance events. Simultaneously, it refutes chance as simply a stepping stone towards all of creation creating all of creation creating all of creation, ... and so on. If every chance must occur at some point in time (assuming time is in fact infinite), then chance is nothing more than fate, and fate is nothing more than predetermined destination. I do not speak of any new ideas, none of these thoughts are original, but as you write your mind expands. You become more attune to your thoughts. But perhaps you have not before thought of this, then this is indeed worthy of exposure. I do not know if chance and fate are truely mutually exclusive, because if fate is by chance, or chance is by fate, it goes outside of itself, thus still being possible. I run in circles. Such thoughts have come of me lately, alongside the decision that I need to write more often. Even if just thoughts like these, I need to express myself like I used to.
I also need to read more. I shouldn't be working. I should be enjoying myself, spending time with those I may never see again, or who will slowly dissolve out of my life, and into another's. I should be cherishing this time that I have, rather than falling out of the rye, with no glove below. $4,103.64 is apparently the cost of finding immediate complacency in the working world. I need more fun in my life. More smiles. More laughter. More memories. Not to tell my grandchildren when I'm older, and not to tell my children. Not to reconcile for a life lived in thought. Not for promotion. But for me. Carpe Diem.
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| Calculating Infinity |
[09 Feb 2006|11:08pm] |
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Yes, an actual update. Written for my World Lit Class for Vocabulary, but here I took out some of the words that seemed too much of a stretch because I'm happy with the idea behind the outcome.
Calculating Infinity
Life need not sit us down and read us our fate. Nihilism may be thought provoking but rarely will it tell us anything, except that there’s nothing to tell. No story to be told. No prize to be had. Any edict that is issued can perish in days if we choose to deny it. We can lead life with effrontery or live staring into the corner with a pained expression over our faces. Regardless, it is simply a dilatory offence – one of which will prolong the inevitable. Our lives mirror that of the millions of stories we have written. Yet, we have barely taken one step forward. Lack of action will make any idea feckless. Perhaps we treat life as a test incognito – one that will assure our future in what is next. Our future always leads us to what is next. Although in an ecclesiastical sense, our good will and honesty can and will be the demise of any unfortunate future that we might fall into. Such ideas are far from heresy, but rouse the deepest seed of disorder within us nonetheless. Our future may be entirely determined by our past, but can the converse’s autonomy be proven? Can it be that our past is independent of our future? Or perhaps… just the opposite? If we take others didactic words and follow them as our own, we are not simply living someone else’s life, but simultaneously disrupting any evolution of thought we hope to aid. Such serious thoughts must also be looked at in a humerous manner. We run around like mice through a maze which was created by someone we have never met, nor seen. As far as we know, this life could be evanescent just as quickly as it may prove itself to be solid. Perhaps if we could hold it in our hands we’d believe. Our nature has evolved beyond faith, and towards reason. This notion has lured us towards a positive connotation, but with it comes bad just as much as good. Our enthusiasm has been stripped from our minds and left to the eccentrics. We are now simply the inconvincible. Language has become invidious simply because every word can leave a bad taste in at least one person’s mouth. We must defend the rights of all, which in turn will protect the diffident rights of none. We long for this proof, but in fact no theory is one hundred percent incontrovertible. Loopholes are cut out of every thought. Flaws lie in every corner of every nerve ending. The one’s who feel they finally figured out all are led to the same theory. That the meaning to life is that there is no meaning – a perfect paradox that builds a pedestal on which they can stand. Screaming down to us that in fact they have solved it, that life is now explained and thus worthless. However, such complex simplicity cannot explain what life truly is. Life is simply a paradigm for infinity. Thus, we will spend infinite time chasing it. Another pedestal rises…
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| We don't define ourselves. We define eachother. |
[17 Jan 2006|09:45pm] |
| [ |
music |
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A Perfect Kiss |
] |
I do not define myself because I am living in this skin. You define me. The summation of everyone elses definitions of me define who I am, why I function the way I do, and the relationships I therefore form. I am asking something very simple from you guys, whether you know me extremely well, or not too well. Tell me everything you know about me. My strengths, my flaws, first impressions, experiences you remember with me and why they're important. Why they hurt. Why we get along so well together. Why we no longer talk. Why you tower of me. Why I intimidate you. Why we know eachother. What have i meant to you. What do you remember.
Please do this, it really means a lot to me. Even if you used to know me and not so much anymore, still do it. It shows who I used to be compared to who I am now. I hope you all take this to heart and do it truthfully. Write pages, write one sentence. A response is a response, just some will touch me more than others... I hope they all do.
NOTE: this is not a chain letter. this is something I made, for me. please take it as such and dont pass it by as mindless.
Thank you,
Matthew.
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[02 Aug 2005|01:53am] |
Thomas Stewart Ryan III... you will be missed.
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| Rebellion turned sour down your throat. |
[30 Jul 2005|11:31pm] |
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music |
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Daphne Loves Derby |
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I think I've taken a wrong turn. We choose where we go, and how we choose to travel. Some faster than others. I don't think it's a "road less traveled" incident, because no road has been taken. When I reach a fork, I stand there. Maybe my indecisiveness as of late thrives on this, but so does my apathy. The paradox tugs and pulls at my mind: I'm so wrapped up in everyone's well being that I am apathetic. I have reconnected with some old friends lately, just a few days, but perhaps they will continue this time around. But it really makes me wonder, where I left them and became who I am today. I will be honest and say I feel detatched from them in many ways, but only in present day. I feel like I'm still back in 8th grade talking to them. And that's not a bad thing, maybe it's because I'm just now talking. The road I've taken seems to be the one everyone else chose not to. I still have no niche. The last one I had was the one with the Silent Fighting group and friends. I remember when weekends were like neverending dreams, even if I didn't drink heavily, no one really did then. The occassional drink and we'd all be best friends. We'd all the sudden have known these girls forever, and were invincible. It's cliche, but then again, thats why everyone can relate to this. Still I sat behind the light. Somewhere along the line, I left that entire life behind. With SF no longer, there's no breach back. Curiosity is human nature, wondering what if. What if I partied like the majority of kids my age do? What if I attended parties even if I didn't drink? What if I opened up to girls I found attractive, or intriguing? What if I (gasp) became a normal kid, in more ways than that are apparent right now? I know the answer to all of these. I wouldn't be me. I may make decisions others frown upon, but I do have reasons most of the time. I truly try my best. If you disagree, please explain yourself. Try showing me what you mean. I feel like I write the same things every single time I write. All I do is circle around some golden truth I can't point straight at. Opposing magnets. Isn't it weird how opposing magnets are the ones who stick together. That visualization doesn't work. I do believe my sobriety has heavily affected my lack of association with many people. My old friends, and potential new ones at my school. So what road did I take to bring me here? To bring me here. I think I worry so much I don't get anywhere in my writing anymore because I felt like my words were better than my personal relations. I don't boast this fact. I do feel however I have something pure in my life. I would gladly wish many people sober, but like Steinbeck says, I won't be a teetotaler that wishes the entire world to stop drinking. People can make their own decisions, and as much as it hurts me watching, doesn't mean I will preach. Not to pick on a livejournal entry, but I read of one by Jeff, who is a very intelligent (and good looking) guy about christianity, and his despisal (if thats a word) of it. I do not call myself a christian persay, but it's sad that so many people can't be happy having their own morals, and have to try to make them everyone elses. Look what that does. Your entire group is clumped together. I won't be one of those crazy straight edge kids who want the world to be one big black X written in permanant marker. It's because of the violent history of straight edge that any kid who chooses not to drink this or that, or smoke this or that, is all the sudden Stalin. I'm rambling and unlike my other writing a couple entries back, I have no perfect way to tie it up. Just a rambling that reiterates everything I continue to say, but never gets across. I miss you. The one I used to know. Don't let my absence become a reason to overdrug/overdrink yourself. Rebellion turned sour down your throat.
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[29 Jul 2005|11:58pm] |
I havn't posted my writings (lyrics wise) in a long time. Here's what's being used for Mairebel's newest song. Temporarily titled "A Little Girl's Shoe in the Middle of the Road, with no Little Girl Around" And yes, there is meaning behind it.
Run your cold, damp hands down my spine. Make a wish at each bump you cross, each hill you conquer. You hang your hat next to the door but never dare walk outside. Shed your skin. You cry sparks and disregard sense. No one's getting out alive this time. News spread too fast. Put on a smile as royalty crowns you, gracing us with their presence. They do this out of the good will of their hearts. Self destruct in time. We rehearse these lines and read them off 3 by 5's with ease. What does it mean when you live your life based around languish. A tire tread is all you've become.The stone calls my name. "Come home to sleep" it pleads. The plastic cellaphane wraps around our hearts to keep them from going stale. I think I'm aging and decaying along with it. The two walk hand in hand and dance on our ashes. | Still the stone begs: come home to sleep. Still the stone begs: come home to sleep. What are you salivating for? The crown is still atop the king.
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[23 Jul 2005|12:13pm] |
Russell T. Sohlberg Benefit Show
Who: Mairebel, Self Fulfilled Prophecy, Beneath This Ashen Sky, Crusoe, January Embers, Burn the Remains, and Before Summer Ends.
When: TONIGHT! (7-23) 5-11pm
Where: Johnsburg Community Club
2315 W Church Street
Johnsburg, IL 60050
(Just further on 31, 5 minutes from just for fun roller rink)
(take 31 north (most likely), make a right on johnsburg road, a left on spring grove, and a right on church street)
Cost: $7 all for the family's benefit.
This is easily the most important show we have ever played, and maybe ever will. Please come and help this family get the money they need after losing a loving husband/father/brother/son. I ask you all with all I have in me, please come, and help some great people regain their ground.
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| The Search For a Shoulder Dense Enough |
[13 Jul 2005|11:59pm] |
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I have finally looked in the mirror. I am numb, frozen to the point of the Neolithic man. Me and my possessions, everything involving me: clenched in my arms so loving of this chance, all frozen with me. I am no saint, nor am I a hero. Although I wish I was, maybe even try to be one. The love of my life, if you care to call her that, has been diagnosed with cancer, yet I was contacted weeks ago with this horrid news. The question remains: So why am I sitting here? Why am I not at her bedside, in that cold hospital room, at her side, at her bidding. Holding her hand, telling her it's going to be alright. Staying with her day in for no other reason than to make sure she isn't stuck in there alone. To let her know there is hope, and I can be that hope for her. But... I am sitting here. In front of my computer, day in and day out. Allowing my mind to operate like the machine I hover over. I care so very much it brings me to tears that I can't express it well enough, or rather, can't build the drive to follow on it. I don't blame cinema, but I do believe film has drilled these ideas of romanticism, heroism, and just flat out ideals into our heads. It knocks on the back of our skulls begging to get in, yelling at us "You will never do the right things. The life you lead is not what happiness truly is." I have confidence in myself to the point of knowing I don't have to listen to these things and try to attain them regarding everything in my life. However, if I can do them, why not? Why not throw my life down for the next person I talk to. Help them in everyway I can, be a genuine loving friend. My song is love. I believe love is more than just something we sing about longing, I really do feel it's more than an ideal: it's real. I believe it's more than some word you say to someone after you date them a month, two months, six months, perhaps even longer. Which is why I get sick hearing it all over, and yes that probably includes you and your significant other. No, I don't feel I say this out of bitterness. Sure, I'm jealous, especially if I feel you guys mean it. For example, Jenna, I know what you and zach have, I see it. The use of the word love there is beautiful. I am not bitter, rather, aware. I am now sidetracking. Love is what I long to hold in my heart, which I will admit I have avoided. And the saddest part is, I know I still do. When someone tells me they have feelings for me, I say I need to get to know them. But do I need to wait this long? Or do I use it as an excuse to get away. I'm not afraid of being hurt, I have laid myself out on the tracks. I havn't talked to her in a month now. Or rather, she has chosen not to talk to me. But perhaps this is a "if you fall of the horse get back on" type of a deal. Maybe other potentials lie out there I'm looking past. Regret is the first bullet point of every friendship. I wish it weren't, but we always wish we would have done this or that. Been nicer here and there. Well what about now. Are we so pretentious that we ignore everybody's feelings but our own until nights like this when we bawl our little beaty eyes out to convince ourselves we are caring individuals. I'd like to think not. All is full of love. This would is a beautiful place. I believe these things because of one person. She has changed my mind about everything in the world, now perhaps that is love. Love need not breach the border of friendship vs romance. It is in both. So perhaps I do feel love, perhaps even in this very moment. Perhaps we love people one gesture at a time. The ones we tell we just flat out love, are the ones with a near perfect record. "You're heart can't break if you don't let the world touch it." The world has touched my heart, and I don't believe it's broken, but rather, thawing. To beat on a day further ahead.
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| Oh, the Familiar sight of flashing lights. |
[20 Jun 2005|12:47am] |
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mood |
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worried |
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| [ |
music |
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Ariel Kill Him |
] |
Yeah, so I'm going to keep this short. I went to warped tour in wisc tonight, and some things made me hate it, but some things gave me great joy, only for me to think about how i could never have those feelings returned. I dunno if that makes sense, but so many things are going through my head right now. Emery made me really happy, more specifically watching them with erin. it made me happy. i feel sappy. so now to the sorrow. on the way home i got pulled over. it was 50mph on the freaking high way (i94), just short a couple hundred feet of where it turns 65. I was going 74, or so i got clocked in at. if the cop had waited just 2 minutes, if that, later i would have been going 9 over. instead, i get a 24 over ticket (25 is a felony), and guess how much that is boys and girls. 215 some dollars. by the end of this, me going to court and traffic school both in wisconsin, and those fees, my entire bank account will be emptied. right now i have 612.95 in it. I estimate 600 being taken out, not even entirely counting my bills i have to pay at the end of this month. moral of the story: this week i have lost so many things, one of the worst weeks to date (leaving out some feelings experienced that were amazing like spoken above). I am no longer drumming with 17 year tragedy, for those of you who dont know/care. they have to tour, and i cant do that right now. then this. point being, it sounds horribly selfish, and i bet the second i receive anything ill back out, but i officially have a "Make Matt not Become broke" fund. I dont want lots of money, if you have 4 dollars youre going to throw at some fries and drink at mcdonalds, ill bring you to my house and feed you and give you a drink. anything i can do to make money i shall, and anyway i can repay anyone who can even help the littlest bit, i will. i realize this wont get me money, but its the only optimistic thought in my head right now. seeing as i have decided i am surrounded and do favors for some of the most ingrateful people ive met. i didnt even get a thank you.
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[06 Jun 2005|09:41pm] |
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I cannot believe this has happened. I am so outright disappointed in myself, more than I think I ever have been in my life. Every tower of stress, every bottle full of i dont even know what was on my shoulders. I keep telling myself it was just horseplay gone wrong, I just hit him just a little bit too hard. One thousand apologies will not take it back, but I wish amends could be made. Honesty on both fronts, just saying, "It happened, it's over." Which i feel should happen, and end it, knowing it was wrong, but an accident. Something not thought out. And I know I always say I hate when people talk about things but dont tell others what its about, but this is one of those times. Dont ask me, i wont tell you. I made a mistake, that is all. I myself am overanalyzing it, in a way that would make any outsider see it as so much worse of an act than it was. I refuse to let that take hold of me again. I am so very sorry.
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| Confess. |
[29 May 2005|12:23am] |
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I came up with a new game-show idea recently. It's called The Old Game. You got three old guys with loaded guns onstage. They look back at their lives, see who they were, what they accomplished, how close they came to realizing their dreams. The winner is the one who doesn't blow his brains out. He gets a refrigerator.
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| I need more grace than I thought. |
[15 May 2005|10:08pm] |
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mood |
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disappointed |
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music |
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Damien Rice - I Remember |
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So here I am once again, resorting to searching for reason in my words. I wonder if I'm justified in my rash assumptions, but are they rash? I feel justified to a sense, but I also need to get off my pedestal and realize everyone is not the same as me, and do not believe the same things as I may. Which brings me to that eternal question I keep asking myself, is it wrong of me to think someone can change, or more specifically, to "help" this change take place. If they want no part in it, I am not just. I am in fact what I dread becoming. So yes the solution may be simple, talk to them about it, which is what must happen. The second this happens I open myself up for a great letdown, one I havn't allowed in so long. I let myself get close, and I am feeling things I havn't felt since what seems like another life. They do say you are reborn throughout your life. I don't know who they are, but they always seem to have a good handle on things. 'They' know every little statistic and can regurgitate them to us when we reflect.
I wonder if I did something wrong? Did I pay too much attention to you? Calls too closely placed together? or maybe not in the right way. Maybe people need to be more honest with eachother. As Magnolia says, "I'll tell you everything, and you tell me everything, and maybe we can get through all the piss and shit and lies that kill other people." Wouldn't it be great if every human interaction was brought to such a level that no one wondered, which led to the dissengration of assumption.
If i wasn't so tired I'd continue, but bed calls my name as I didn't sleep last night. I leave with a part of the opening quote of the movie Crash, one i recommend you all go see right now in theaters.
"We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, we crash into eachother just so we can feel something."
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